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Post Thu Sep 09, 2004 8:59 pm

Nun joke

The Mother Superior calls all the Nuns together and says to them "I must tell you all something " We have a case of Gonorrhea in the Convent."

"Thank God," says an elderly Nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay!"

:lol1:
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Post Thu Sep 09, 2004 9:00 pm

:wink: :wink:

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Post Fri Sep 10, 2004 12:05 am

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *zing* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *zingf* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
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Post Fri Sep 10, 2004 12:36 am

^^ :lol1: :lol1:

Nice 1 Jill
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Post Fri Sep 10, 2004 2:00 am

.

"Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car."

"Quick Sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! F*ck off!" :o





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Post Fri Sep 10, 2004 9:04 am

Not a nun joke but still funny.

A blonde was playing golf and she sliced her drive off the tee and the ball went hurtling into a group of men on the adjacent green, followed by a cry of agony. She rushed over and saw one of the men, obviously in agony, with his hands between his legs. She says not to worry as she is a nurse and knows what to do. She lays the man down and undoes the front of his trousers, she puts her hand down and begins to massage him. After a couple of minutes she asks him how that feels, to which he answers " Great but my thumb still hurts like hell "
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Post Fri Sep 10, 2004 9:07 am

I'm going to be giggling all day now, Jill :lol1: :lol1: :lol1:

Paul R(Mackerelbus Design)
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Post Fri Sep 10, 2004 9:14 am

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking
by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk
to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior
said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother
superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said
"Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the
fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish
that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't
talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and
I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table,
and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the
goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And
the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said:
"I like this f*ck*ng place already!"
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Post Fri Sep 10, 2004 9:17 am

:lol1: Nice1 Phill
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Post Fri Sep 10, 2004 9:28 am

:lol1: :lol1: :lol1: all good!!
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Post Fri Sep 10, 2004 10:21 am

Scotsman walks into a butcher shop holding a bin bag and says.

“Pound a fillet?”

Butcher says.

“A pound you don’t!”



Next man walks in & says.

“A steak & kiddely pie please?”

The Scotsman turns and laughs saying, “Oh you said kiddely!”

The man frowns and says “no a diddley”




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Post Sun Sep 12, 2004 9:54 pm

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. As they have no overalls, one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice (oh i swore !). Now where do you want me to hang these blinds?"
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Post Sun Sep 12, 2004 11:56 pm

^^ lol :)
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Post Mon Sep 13, 2004 4:35 pm

(Sorry for the ALL CAPS....I copied & pasted this)

SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH; THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA; THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO; THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL...THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."
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Post Mon Sep 13, 2004 6:32 pm

Hi all, not a nun joke but I love it :lol1:

One morning (oh i swore !) Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W.
He replies, "How about a quickie?"

"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says,"How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton and you haven't even been in office for a full term, yet!"

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced 'quiche'."

:dance2:
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Post Mon Sep 13, 2004 6:38 pm

What do you mean - I swore???

What's wrong with (oh i swore !) Cheney? My middle name is (oh i swore !), which is short for Richard, and I love a nice bowl of spotted (oh i swore !)!

(oh i swore !), dickety, (oh i swore !), (oh i swore !), (oh i swore !) or should I say Richard, richardety, Rich, Rich, Rich?

Sorry Rob - didn't realise (oh i swore !) (Riachard) was a swear word :o

It won't happen again - honest.

Mark aka (oh i swore !) :wink:
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Post Mon Sep 13, 2004 6:40 pm

Sorry

:praise1:
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Post Mon Sep 13, 2004 9:49 pm

Two Nuns

Two nuns walking down the street when a flasher comes up and opens his mack giving them a flash...
One nun had a stroke.... the other couldn't reach.... :oops:

Old but good..
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Post Mon Sep 13, 2004 9:56 pm

Once I typed in (oh i swore !) and it said I swore too!
You know, the sound that something makes when it disappears!
starts with a P and ends with oof....
I know it means something off-color over there but here it's perfectly acceptable.
Just like if I were to say I was going to light up a ( oh i swore )
but I don't smoke.
Linguistics.
What do nuns and 7-Up have in common?
(based on an old ad about 7-Up being caffiene -free)
"Never had it, never will".
Love...Jill
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Post Mon Sep 13, 2004 9:57 pm

:thumbup2:

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Post Mon Sep 13, 2004 10:40 pm

Two nuns out on their pushbikes, going for a ride
One said " I have not come this way before" the other said " Oh! it must be the cobbles" :o
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Post Mon Sep 13, 2004 11:57 pm

What have i started ? bunch of perves the lot of ya :)

and another quicky
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat
as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the
plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo!

She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he
blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian
who are most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the
Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said.
"I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

:lol1:
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Post Tue Sep 14, 2004 11:29 pm

this one was sent to me by a friend today.. :wink:

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns.

"What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.
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Post Wed Sep 15, 2004 7:52 am

hehe
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Post Sat Sep 25, 2004 10:38 pm

had to pop this in to the thread. listen to the preset tunes:)

you may need broadband but it is worth teh download (copy and paste link close the f up to the a as the swear bot changes it )

http://www.sillyjokes.co.uk/games/f arting-nun.html
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Post Sun Sep 26, 2004 12:57 am

SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body."
He did not say " Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Post Sun Sep 26, 2004 5:12 pm

A nun and a priest were crossing a Snow Village on a sled being pulled by snow dogs. On the third day the dogs suddenly dropped dead without warning.

The nun and the priest surveyed their situation and survival did not look good. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's bre*sts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely bre*sts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's p*nis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge e*ection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my p*nis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that dog's as$ and lets get the hell out of here."
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Post Mon Sep 27, 2004 3:07 pm

Three Southern Belles were discussing their respective partners. The first lady says "I call my man Jack Hammer cause he goes like a jack hammer".. The second lady says "I call my man Steam Train cause he goes like a steam train".... the third lady says "I call my man Jack Daniels.." The other two ladies look puzzled before one says "..aint that some kind of fancy liquor..."

I know it's not a nun joke but I'm bored looking for Foam Board!!

Stephen :(
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Post Mon Sep 27, 2004 3:13 pm

Three Southern Belles were discussing their respective partners. The first lady says "I call my man Jack Hammer cause he goes like a jack hammer".. The second lady says "I call my man Steam Train cause he goes like a steam train".... the third lady says "I call my man Jack Daniels.." The other two ladies look puzzled before one says "..aint that some kind of fancy liquor..."

I know it's not a nun joke but I'm bored looking for Foam Board!!

Stephen :(
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Post Mon Sep 27, 2004 3:19 pm

^^ :lol1:
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Post Mon Sep 27, 2004 10:25 pm

A nun dies and goes to heaven where she is met at the gates by St Peter.

They walk into heaven and St Peter begins to show her around. Suddenly, a blood curdling sream is heard and the Nun looks at St Peter with a horrified expression.

"What was that horrible scream?" she said worriedly
"Ah thats just someone getting their shoulder blades drilled so that they can get their wings fitted" St Peter explains.

The Nun, looking concerned, reluctantly acknowledges this and they carry on the tour.

5 minutes barely pass when a second and more chilling scream is heard closeby. The Nun, very shaken and startled, turns to St Peter and again asks him what the scream was.

"Oh thats just someone getting their skull drilled so we can fit a Halo to them". answers St Peter.

On hearing this, the nun decides she has had enough.

"I`m not staying a moment longer", she says. "I`m going to take my chances in Hell".
St Peter is astonished at this and informs her "But in Hell you will be raped and sodomised daily!,"

"That may be so", replies the Nun, "But at least i already have the holes in place for that.
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Post Mon Sep 27, 2004 10:29 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

nik
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Post Mon Sep 27, 2004 10:56 pm

....or as my uncle Jim used to say....
"It's alright to date a nun, as long as you don't get into the habit"
I loved that last one, I just called my 78-year-old mom & told it to her.
She liked it too.
Love....Jill :lol1:
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Post Tue Sep 28, 2004 7:12 pm

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, to do whatever he told her to do, and to pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued: "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
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Post Tue Sep 28, 2004 7:31 pm

:lol:
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Post Wed Oct 13, 2004 8:49 am

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies,:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers,:
"My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!

"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish. "

The nun says,: "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
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Post Wed Oct 13, 2004 10:37 pm

A new young monk arrives at the monastery and as with all new monks he is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate." "The word is celebrate."
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Post Wed Oct 13, 2004 10:43 pm

they get better all the time!! :P

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Nik

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